Do I know anything?

I always think of the way or what happens after I die, the way it was written in Hamilton (musical) it got to me and made me think about it, what is a legacy? Who truly knows what to do in everyday moments? What does death feel like? Cold, warm, wet, dry? Is it a feeling or a pain? Do you have the wisdom when you die? Do you think of yourself or love ones? Will someone ever tell your story? Who do you trust for such things? I want to know but I won’t, will I? Will someone love me so that they tell my story truthfully? How to know what love truly is? Is it complicated? Is it the way you see them and it feels like you always knew them? Do they feel like what you were is what was missing in their life? Is it sweet? What if it gets bitter? Who will sacrifice to sweeten it? What if it’s already cooked and just stays bitter forever? What if you don’t have a good life? I don’t know what to do about it but I don’t want to be ruining someone because of my own past. What if I never get kids? What do I know?! I don’t know anything about everything but everything about nothing.. IT TRIGGERS ME BUT ITS TRUE! I can’t just be blind over the fact that we completely forgot about the fact that we aren’t even close to knowing what is happening in the world and universe yet we act like we have a clue, how did Einstein knew? I mean it was always there, how did he perceive things? He was just always right? No way. I barely know anything like him but I want to know, not to flex. Those things fascinate me so much I’m happy to know more. Even though I don’t have the energy of process like him but I want at least a glimpse of it. I want to have my own mark in history. Still my own mind knows im worth more than a dollar, at least I hope so! I’m not sure I’m wise, what is a wise person? someone whom gain knowledge by experience and errors? I think so. But there’s so much more to it I think.. lately I’ve been feeling like a little clock. Always watched, I’m not feeling well outside of my house, is the world looking at me in such ways it knows I’m in danger? I don’t think so, I hurt my body staying inside but I can’t get out without having the feeling something will happen to me, I want the person to stop the mockery of me. It’s not fair, I want it to stop. Just who is it!? I feel like I’m looking for a needle in a bottle of hay. I’m lost, I can’t find what I like. What if I make the wrong choice of my future? I don’t want to lose everything. Who will be the one telling my errors on front page of embarrassment? I want to seek the truth and future yet future can’t ever come to me, the truth flows through me and never lightens me or my mind, do I not know how to achieve this knowledge yet? I need to get back on my feet.. laying on the ground will never make me fly through wind and find the unseen truth of it all, but what will awaits me there? What if I can’t see or feel the truth? What if the truth will never come? What if the truth was false? What can I achieve in a world where I am nothing until I find a purpose I haven’t gotten hints to find it? What if my purpose is to find a way to make it happen? Make what happen? Why shouldn’t I be in history? Why would I be in history? What if those eyes are the people watching my story? Watching my future unravel before my own very eyes? What if I am both of them? Nothing and everything? I mean, nothing to the world, everything to my twin.. celebrities who became everything wishes to be nothing. What is nothing then? Small comfortable house and nothing else? But is that really nothing? I’m just trying to make sense of it all honestly.. Im scared of being forgotten after my last breath. I’m running out of time, am I? I’ve done nothing wrong nor achieved anything. I want to leave the world with something. I want more time, I want to learn the piano, saxophone, violin and harp. I want to learn the way music works, the way it’s taught, the way it makes us teach ourselves things that we never knew existed..Would I have done enough? I want to leave letters, I’m sure nobody would read them. Technology. Haha. So is this my letter to the world and future? I don’t want to hear it anymore.. I don’t want this to be a mark of my existence. It isn’t enough! I want to mark people, make them live, make them live the emotions I ever so slightly felt at least once, I want to feel proud of myself in my last moments. Will I? Will people ever know my life the way I did? Will they ever understand my feelings? I just never will know, I’m miserable. I want to die. But I don’t want this. I don’t want the world to know that this is the weakness I fell for. I want to know that the world has loved me. I want to be able to feel the way that they will feel. Knowing my feelings, mistakes, wins, my legacy (I still have no shot what it is) my love, my family, my death, my fears. Just how long will I survive? How long will it take till I truly live? I don’t know… the answer probably is not that much longer.. maybe just maybe, I’ll love someone. I don’t have a greater mindset than anyone else, I have no idea what my Purpose is and how to go through it, against it, pass it. Is it really all in my mind already? Where can or would I be able to find it? I want to know that I will be learnt by people.. studied even, I am selfish. I am scared of just leaving ashes behind my death whatever it might be, I’m not a poet at all and I don’t do great poems, I wish I did. Do we all have a shot in life? I really don’t think so, I hate that life is so unfair. But it’s not like I was power in this fucked up place, I think about death daily. Like I’ve been there, was I? I don’t remember any life threatening events that happened to me. I want to laugh at peoples misery, the I’m the most miserable human in any room full of person I see. All have a purpose.. what is mine? Will I ever know it? I’m so tired of trying to find my own happiness again and never once getting the slightest of idea it might be.. I know small facts, I’m not a big mind.. I don’t know how to become one. I want to fly free as a bird, like the sound of my instrument flowing through the air with ease, like a runner in a race, like a baker in its own bakery. I want my place. I am a rat in a fancy restaurant, a princess in the slums, a pig with lipstick in a ball. I am not in my own place.. my right place, is Canada the place I wanna live in till my very last breath? Dying in honor for this country? Having my own future in this place? Yet another thing I can’t understand about everything. I clean every day and nothing changes, I hate this life. I want to trace my own life and it’s wild path, but how? I am repetitive but I need to know if I have enough to do the right things before I am gone, I want the world to know that I am not a person with no meaning or moral. I have my own limits, mistakes regrets and fears. I have not yet achieved any of my dreams or goals since I have no idea what they are, my life is bad but I’m fighting, dying is too easy for me to give up yet if I could I would yield to suicidal thoughts easily enough but I want to be something before nothing. If I throw myself away, is this how I’ll be reminded? I want this to be my legacy, my writing. No.. that’s dumb. I want it to be imprinted in people’s mind, make them change perspective, make them think of what they want to achieve before their last breath. I don’t want to be ashes. I want to live in someone’s mind, be honored for what I did, I am human, everyone is. I don’t want prizes, I want people to go for their own dreams and path even if the world screams and scares them. I want to change our future generations, we can do better than now yet nobody does. I have my life ahead of me yet I do nothing. I am useless, but you guys can. Ashes I will be. We are all decomposing, we need to act beforehand. I want to affect the world. I want to leave my print. I am dumb maybe I’m an idiot.

@RoseOptimiste7

Hi @RoseOptimiste7 🩷

Your words resonnated with me, I don't exactly know how. They reminded of all the questions I also myself sometimes, all the doubts that sometimes creep in and yet, I want to keep going, because I want to find that light that fuels; I want to learn more and more about it.

I don’t have answers to everything but I don’t have no answer either. I think many of us go through periods and moments in our life where we question our own existence and the world we live in. I understand how tough it is to determine what that purpose of yours is and how you think about death and how you want to make the most of your time before it’s too late. 

I don’t think I can answer all of your questions in one go because to be honest, it’s a lot of questions, so apologies for that.

I don’t exactly know how people find out their true purpose in life, because it’s personal to each, but one thing that unites these people, I find, is that hope that they will find that purpose someday and live with that beautiful purpose hopefully for the rest of their life. 

I don’t think I need to divulge too much right now, but something that keeps me alive and going every single day, no matter the highs and lows… that light that keeps me going is my faith. And that faith can take multiple forms and it’s something that I try to remind myself about. It’s something that keeps my hopes up when I doubt if I’ll be able to succeed in the things/areas that I say that I will commit to. I don’t know everything, but I trust. I trust that good things will come out of what I want to achieve, and I actually don’t know much more than you do about my purpose of life, but I hang on and trust that I will maybe find out about it.

And I don’t think that finding that purpose is that “one answer” that you need to look for, but it can actually take multiple forms, and you can notice many hints of your preferences and potential talents right now. These are potential hints to your purpose maybe, to your legacy (and I don’t have a perfect definition for legacy, but something that people remember about who you were or what you did in life, I’d say that’s legacy) 🩷

I can’t know how the ending of all of this will be, but one thing I’m certain of, is that no matter how small you think your contribution is right now, it can be seen as the biggest source of hope that came into their life. You can’t always know, but maybe you smiling can turn around someone’s life, and that small act of kindness can bring so many blessings to someone’s life. I believe that any small action can bring happiness into the world and bring in positivity when things seem and are dark.

I think that one of the many ways to discover your purpose in life is by experimenting. I think it’s by trying things out, and making mistakes, and learning from them, and trying something new again and again that life experiences shape who you are. It’s maybe a simple answer, but that’s a message that I want to emphasize. 

I guess this quote is right after all: You’ll never know until you try :)

I think everyone’s timing is different and until then, what we have control over is our everyday actions and how we respond to the life events around us 🩷

I think that you don’t need to have all the answers ready to make the best out of your life. Your existence has meaning and I truly hope that my words will be that reminder that you matter in this world 🩷

Remember, it’s by starting with a single drop of water that an ocean can be formed 🩷

Don’t hesitate to reach out on the TJ forum if you ever need anything; we’ll be happy to help :)

(sorry for the kinda long answer; I tried to keep it relatively short/long, but I got inspired by your writing. Thanks for sharing by the way; I appreciate it!)

@SoleilSportive11

Hi, @SoleilSportive11

(no idea if the @SoleilSportive11 worked oh wait I made it highlight 🤭)

Didn't know if anyone would actually read all that gibberish, can’t thank you enough for answering both of them with you wisdom, I am quite baffled it inspired you. Didn’t think so. I don’t know if you will get any notifications, this platform confuses me. Makes me feel like a granny, I love both of your answers and the way you answered them, I really appreciate it but I still feel like I would prefer a mental hospital than this hell of a school but I’ll get through it I hope. I’ve met someone a month or so and she became my best friend, she gave me a different answer. Anyway not the real point, most of the questions were pretty much all about making a true impact and living life before dying I didn’t know how it inspired you but I guess if I can make even this small change with my writing I am delighted then. I had such a long essay I had to cut like 3000 characters to erase (not a flex) too damn long for anyone to understand but I’m glad I made it resonate with you. Was it long to read? Well either way, have a great day.

@RoseOptimiste7

Hey @RoseOptimiste7 🩷

Yep! You tagged me and it worked 😊

Thanks for your feedback on my answers. I’m grateful to read that you like how I answered you :)

I’m happy to see that you’ve made a best friend! It’s good to have someone by your side when times are rough and your friend seems to be a good one and a good source of support too :)

I think it’s a good thing that you took the time to share some info about yourself with your friend. It’s normal that our answers are different; it shows the multiple perspectives from which we can understand and respond. I think it would be a good idea to take time to reflect on our answers if you wish to; you’ll see by our answers that others do value you and you’re important. You matter 🩷

If you think a mental hospital would be a better source of help, then I think it’s worth thinking about and maybe it would be good to get advice from a trusting adult before making a decision. Do you maybe have someone in mind to whom you talk to to see if a mental hospital could be a good option for you? 

And yes! Your writing did inspire me. I was really touched to see how much you care about making a difference in others’ lives and I wanted to try to be at least one of the people who could do that kind of favour in return to you. You have a caring heart 🩷

Keep writing; you can maybe change a person, a city, a generation, or the world with your words ✨

Take care and don’t hesitate to reach out!

Thanks you for your message. Now I know that I am not the only one worried about that! Just say that you are not there. Just live the moment present, don’t worry about your futur. Live day per day!

@RoseOptimiste7

Hey @RoseOptimiste7

Honestly I do not know how to respond to all of that, I feel like the questions you asked constently flowing in my mind and I do not find an answer to them ethier. The only thing that I know for sure and thus can respond, is that even if you do not find your purpose and are scared of being forgotten, I can assure you that I will remember this message you wrote. If that can assure you, you have someone that will remeber this and that was marked by your word. I know that if you continue to write people will read you, because I will. Thank you, you helped me put words on my thoughts.

Hope you have a good day :)

@SnowboardBrillant15

@SnowboardBrillant15 aw your amazing, I am writing a book actually and thank you for your kind words and support I completely appreciate it. My book is about a man in the London developing area where people are all stuck in one apartment and some go work in mines and the man works in a publishing warehouse and slowly goes completely insane because of his sleep paralysis haunting his sleep and never getting a good sleep. The hallucinations will make him slowly starts to hurt the people he lives, will he commit a crime? That’s what people will know throughout the book. I want to make it creepy and I’m not a chapter in but I’m working on it and doing poetry because of a film and I think of publishing that too so thank you!

@RoseOptimiste7

@RoseOptimiste7

Omg! I want to read that book now! The description of your story reminds me a little of Jekyll and Hide. It's really cool that you were able to find a way to leave your mark on the world, because if you publish this book, or anything you write really, there are people who will read it everywhere and forever.

Take care and good luck with your book! :)

@SnowboardBrillant15

@SnowboardBrillant15 thanks!!!! It is gay too and does have pretty bad homophobia as its in the 1820’s but its not an happy ending

@RoseOptimiste7

@RoseOptimiste7 That sound like an insanely good book! It has love, angst, mystery and a touch of scary, it seem so good. Continue to write it, you seem like you have a great imagination and really good ideas.

@SnowboardBrillant15

@SnowboardBrillant15 Your so Lovely! Thank you! I definitely will, I really am struggling to write right now but I’ll definitely write tomorrow, have a good day, I’ll definitely post it one day on this website if it gets published!

@RoseOptimiste7

@RoseOptimiste7 Well I can't wait for it! Good luck with your writing, I know how difficile can be to stick to writing a book, but I am sure your gonna make it :)

Homophobie

Allo c la 2e fois que je m'exprime ici et jai vraiment besoins de conseils. Il y quelques semaines, il s'est passer un truc. Dans le fond, on jouait a action ou vérité avec mes amies et quelques gars de ma classe et un garçon qu'on va appeler Jacob a dit en BLAGUE que j,agissais comme une lesbienne. Moi j'étais pas facher car je savais que c'était une blague donc j'ai dit que je l'étais( ce qui est faux), et mes amies mon démande si c'était vrm vrai et moi sur le coup, conne comme je suis, j'ai penser a test d'amitié et j'ai dit que oui que je l'étais et je suis partie en courant pour voir ce qu'elle allait faire. Elles sont venues et deux fille qu'on va appeler Océ et Alice on dit: C pas grave que tu l'ai, nous on va pas te juger a cause de ton oriantation sexuelle et on est pas homophobe. Moi sa ma fait du bien que je pouvais me confier a mes amies comme sa et comme c'était la fin du diner, on est rentrer en classe. Mais 1h plus tard, a la récré, j'étais avec ma meilleire quand mon autre meilleure amie qu'on va appeler Eve a dis: Dsl mais je vais t'inviter a ma fête car tu est lesbienne et moi, j'aime pas les LGBTQ. Cette phrase ma fait réaliser que j'étais aller trop loin dans ce teste et qu'il fallait arreter cette folie et je lui ai tout raconté car j,avais deja dit au autres filles que c'était pas var et que j'étais pas lesbienne. J'ai donc expliquer a Eve que c,était pas vrai, mais elle ne voulait pas écouter et est partie. Mtn, je sais plus quoi faire car je veus pas etre amie avec une homophobe mais en même temps, elle est dans ma classe et dans mon cours de danse. Aidez moi svp je pas quoi faire mais je sais aussi que un peu de ma faute...!

Depuis un an, ma vie à basculer.

Bonjour. C'est ma première fois sur le forum, et j'ai beaucoup hésité à me connecter (obtenir en plus la validation de mes parents,) et à écrire. Je suis autiste, j'ai douze ans. J'ai vécu des choses difficiles après mon diagnostique, en été 2024. Depuis, ma vie à basculer. Je ne m'accepte pas. En plus, mon adolescence commence et tout le monde dit que je dois être patiente, que je dois attendre. J'ai eu beaucoup de réactions d'intervenants qui m'ont fait peur, alors je ne vais pas me confier totalement. Le plus dure, c'est de cacher qui je suis, mes idées suicidaires, mes réactions et émotions et mon t.s.a, plus la vie, et surtout analysée et interprété tout le monde. C'est difficile pour moi, je cherche en plus qui je suis, j'ai toujours un combat intérieur. Une ado a suggéré de mon confier, alors je vais laisser ma première publication comme ça.Merci de m'avoir lue!

Disphorique alors que je suis cisgenre?

Salut, je m'identifie comme un fille et c'est le genre qu'on m'a assigné à la naissance. Je me suis toujours présentée comme "masculine" dans ma personnalité et dans la façon que je m'habille. Je m'identifie comme une fille, mais pourtant, j'ai souvent l'impression de ressentir de la disphorie de genre; je vois mon corps et je me dit que j'aimerais être plus musclée, plus grande, ne pas avoir de poitrine ou de grosses hanches, bref, un corps masculin et aussi parfois j'ai peur d'être habillée de façon trop "féminine" ou je deviens disphorique face à mes cheveux qui sont très longs. Je me sens inconfortable parce que je trouve que je ne ressemble pas assez à un gars, alors que je m'identifie comme une fille et je ne ressens pas l'envie de transitionner. Cependant, l'idée d'être vue comme un gars m'intéresse et j'ai même envie d'être perçue comme un gars. Je ne comprends pas. Est-ce que sans m'en rendre compte, je me sens plus comme un gars, mais je n'ose pas me l'avouer? Est-ce normal que j'aie l'impression de ne pas assez être un genre auquel je ne m'identifie même pas?

Encore perdu

Allô, j’écris ici parce que je ne sais plus où je suis. Je ne sais plus si je suis hétéro, gay ou bi. Je regarde plus de gars que de filles (il y en a pas qui me plaisent en tout cas!), je sens comme le besoin d’avoir une étiquette pour moi, mais je ne suis pas sûr. Je ne partage pas ça avec mes parents (ni avec personne), je n’ai pas envie qu’ils me collent une étiquette alors que je ne suis pas sûr de ce que je suis. J’en ai marre d’entendre que ça prend du temps, je l’entends depuis mes 14ans environ. Comment me trouver ? J’ai toujours peur de la réaction des autres, qu’ils aient une image de moi qui n’est pas « finale », vraie (peut-être?). Je n’ai pas vraiment d’amis intimes avec qui en parler, il y a pas d’occasions pour parler de ça dans la vie de tous les jours. Je suis très analyste, je l’anticipe beaucoup, j’aimerais que le premier baiser soit parfait, la première fois… c’est envahissant.