Read it if you have the time please

see I’ve never had much attention or friends not even my parents.. it’s not neglect don’t worry My dad as shoulders injuries and can’t help anymore because he overwork till his injuries overtook him. My mom as diabetic problems (type 1) and big health problems they are both obese but that isn’t the point, they treat me well.. just they weren’t emotionally there too much and even when I was a kid I pushed them away because I was in a world I created myself I think from what I’ve been told I stayed alone most days.. My whole life.. the first time I was conscious of my actions I was just disgusted of myself.. I wasn’t an ugly kid but I always found myself disgusted and I can never shake it off.. I never had friends, I was a weird kid reserved and fat.. I only ate pasta because this is what we were affording.. my sister has adhd and was troubling too much and my mom was after her all the time.. I stayed alone reading and having my own universe.. and my little sister got born and I had less attention.. I had none at all.. then school.. I wasn’t hated but wasn’t liked enough to be anything to anyone, got used for gifts for friendship and then not talk to me, my aunt died and it made my grades worse to 50 percent, I got bullied for my weight in high school, I learned a coping mechanism.. I hit myself till it broke a bone.. I had attention that I always wanted, and I broke my arms and legs so much times I have a record of ten cast.. I never felt so much miserable but I had attention.. got bullied mor right now in high school and I’m having existential issues.. I have no idea who I really am.. I’m nothing, I hate gym classes and it makes me wanna die to go there.. I breakdown most often then not,  I became therapist to some online friends and begged them to not kill themselves and it definitely scarred me in some way, I just have no one else that listens or care about me enough except my family and  I fail in high school at everything now.. (I skip all my gym classes.) I have been mean to people I know and hit them because of my bottling up and I don’t know what or where my life is going.. I wanna die so bad and change life.. I’m an idiot and I don’t know what to do.. I clean the house for my family every day I feel like a maid and a fool.. Got carried away and told my life story it’s probably not worth the time to read really but it gives context, now honestly I eat my emotions and I’m 250 kg and 5’3 (163 cm) I am unstable, I harm myself, not with a knife as I wrote but with my hands, I feel less like I have blood on my hand stains (hypothetically speaking.) I’ve got casts but I keep getting the need to do more to get pity and love, it’s growing on me and I don’t know what to do and I never told anyone the secret of my many casts (three were genuinely accidents when I was a child. Rest are me just hitting the bone) I want to starve myself to loose weight as I am bullied but I overeat too much after (yeah I tried now I just overeat.) I’m honestly ugly and I’m the one to blame, I lost the ability to take care of myself and I scroll my life on medias eat and clean the house. My sisters and I have a very bad and good relationship, we all curse and hate ourselves and if they cuss at me I just cry the night but I’m not so good myself and talk back more than my mouth shuts. I want to do figure skating i love it and tried to learn how to skate but it hurts my feet too much because of my weight, I loved the sport it makes me feel the adrenaline and I’m extremely happy even watching it I can feel their emotions in the performance and exhaustion it’s captivating to me, it’s just like I always loved it, i also have an electric violin but a string is broke and I don’t know how to play it but I love it i always did and I want to learn it but I don’t have ressources or money and I already do poorly the saxophone and I don’t practice even if I’m in the school orchestra! I read a write bad poems, i love jazz and classical literature but I don’t even bring myself to read my books or do poems, well it’s not like I would be a good poet, i focus to much on rhymes that my poems just don’t flow into someones mind like I wished. I just want to cry all the time and hit myself like recently in November I used a metal bottle with a shirt inside to cover the sound. My healthcare is free if anyone is interested in the story and my dad has a good insurance. I feel like a monster for making them pay for my own health too but I need it, I feel genuinely like a monster. Can someone please just tell me what I am? I don’t think I’m crazy but I feel like it because I am paranoid being alone with a man (therapists.) some where nice but I don’t trust them and I’ve never got hurt in anyway by a man last I remember. The constant feeling of being alone and watched paranoia me. I rarely tell my true feelings to anyone even a great therapist I’ve had, I’m scared of betrayal and I just throw it here hoping someone can tell me what is wrong with me.

Hi!

I just wanna stay, before starting that I understand you completely. I may not be in the same position as you. Not totally. But partially, yes. I also feel like a maid around my family, I do like writing poems (a lot) and I don't think they are good. I don't find myself pretty, no one ever did tell me it (just family members). I also have no one to talk to, that can really understand me as well as my clone could.

So, I want to say that you are not a monster,no one is. I know it'll sound weird from someone who can't help herself too, but I like me, you like taking care of people, continue. People will love you for that. I'm sure you belong somewhere, we all do. We just need to find the right place.

If I could give you an advice: don't stop writing. Never do. Write when you feel sad, happy, angry, depressed. If you have no one to talk about everything's happening in your life/mind. Write. It can help so bad, trust me. And do not judge you for what you write, just let it go, let your mind control the pen on the paper.

I am sure that everything's gonna be soon okay, that you'll be happy. I hope too that this helped you and will. If you need again, some advices, if that helped you (hope so). You can continue to write, I'll be there to answer.

Xxx

Have a good day :)

@RoseOptimiste7

Hey @RoseOptimiste7 🩷

I honestly am starting to understand you more clearly now that you’ve provided some context. I see where you’re coming from and I see that life’s been difficult on your side. I’m sorry to read that you hurt yourself to the point that your bones broke multiple times; I imagine that it must have been a really difficult period in your life.

I honestly want to highlight @MargueriteBienveillant7 ’s answer. I genuinely love her advice and I would recommend the same to you. Write. Write when you’re happy. Write when you’re sad. Write when you feel angry. Write when you feel lost. Write when you don’t know what to write. Just write, and I think you will feel some change in your emotions.

You’re not a monster. Really. You are a valid human feeling valid emotions. 

From what I understand in your message, I see more of a sense of overwhelm. So many things to try, many things to do, to write, many things to learn… It’s a lot. It’s a lot on many people’s plates, and I see how trying to pass your gym classes in school, appreciating your body, trying to not talk back, attempting to write poems, books, learning an instrument… It’s all a lot to think about at once.

I think it would be helpful to focus on 2-3 things at a time. How about that?

Maybe you could try focusing on attending your gym classes right now and trying to eat at least one nutritious food per day while trying to write out what you feel whenever you want to. That’s about 3 things to focus on at once, and if you can try to set smaller objectives for you to reach, I’m sure you’ll get there :)

Maybe you could also try to do some figure skating by learning techniques with videos on the web. I think it's worth it to take time to learn more about something that brings a smile to your face :)

I think that it’s by taking small steps and moving forward that you can notice the biggest changes in your life. It may sound a bit cheesy, but honestly, I find it true in many cases :) 

It’s normal and it’s human to feel overwhelmed. And I’m here to say that you can do it and that you will be able to bring positive changes into your life one step at a time ✨

Give yourself a chance; you deserve it 🩷

Side note: thank you for putting your trust in the TJ forum to share how life’s been for you. I imagine that it took a lot of courage and I wanted to highlight it. I truly appreciate how you were open about your feelings just now; you’ve good a a good heart that’s been hurt and sometimes put to the side. I encourage you to take care of yourself even when you feel like you don’t deserve it because you deserve it. Don’t hesitate to reach out on the forum if you want to talk; we’ll be here to talk 🩷

Il se moque de moi

Coucou, enfaite depuis environ 1 ans j'ai un crush sur un gars dans mon école. J'ai déjà essayé de lui envoyer un message mais il me calcule pas du tout. Le truc c'est qu'il sait que je l'aime et ses amis aussi et à chaque fois que je suis à côté je les entends chuchoter et j'ai vraiment l'impression qu'ils se moquent de moi.

Ça me fait vraiment très mal en plus que mon crush aime une autre personne qui est tellement belle et gentille alors j'ai vraiment aucune raison d'être fâchée contre eux..

Ca me rend vraiment malade qu'il se moque de moi alors que moi je l'aime toujours

On ne s’aime plus comme avant?

Je suis en couple avec quelqu’un depuis presque 1 an. Je l’aime beaucoup beaucoup mais j’ai l’impression que ce n’est plus comme avant. J’aimerais qu’on revienne comme avant mais je ne suis pas hyper bon avec les mots. Je ne sais pas comment faire, qu’est-ce il faudrait que je lui dise pour ça. Je suis vraiment heureuse avec elle et je l’aime encore. Avez-vous des suggestions?

Tout est Gênant ????

Bonjour !!

Je sais pas pour vous mais j'ai remarquer depuis quelque temps que pour les autres : Tout est obligatoirement gênant !!

Exemple :

Les traits d'Eyeliner !

Courir (expliquer moi !😑 )

Participé à l'école.

Ne pas être en couple

Ne pas se maquiller

Ne pas s'habiller comme les autres

Ne pas rigoler aux mêmes blagues

Ne pas aimer la même musique

Et j'en passe.

Ce n'est pas avec surprise que je vais dire que je suis qualifier de "gênante" à l'école à cause d'un grand nombre de ces raisons. Et honnêtement (je sais pas si ça parraissais déjà) mais j'en est marre.

Es-ce normal que les gens soivent comme ça ? Ou c'est juste moi qui n'est pas à jour dans la société ?

je comprends pas

récemment j’ai arrêté de manger un dîner à l’école. mes amies me demande souvent pourquoi mais je leurs dit juste que j’ai pas faim. et j’ai pas de complexe sur mon poids (c’est sur que je veux pas prendre trop de poids non plus). j’ai l’impression que manger en public (autre que ma famille) ça me gêne. j’me sens… jsp comment le dire en français mais genre « gross » en anglais. seule j’arrive à bien manger et avec ma famille aussi mais pas avk le reste. je comprends pas pourquoi..