Do I know anything?

I always think of the way or what happens after I die, the way it was written in Hamilton (musical) it got to me and made me think about it, what is a legacy? Who truly knows what to do in everyday moments? What does death feel like? Cold, warm, wet, dry? Is it a feeling or a pain? Do you have the wisdom when you die? Do you think of yourself or love ones? Will someone ever tell your story? Who do you trust for such things? I want to know but I won’t, will I? Will someone love me so that they tell my story truthfully? How to know what love truly is? Is it complicated? Is it the way you see them and it feels like you always knew them? Do they feel like what you were is what was missing in their life? Is it sweet? What if it gets bitter? Who will sacrifice to sweeten it? What if it’s already cooked and just stays bitter forever? What if you don’t have a good life? I don’t know what to do about it but I don’t want to be ruining someone because of my own past. What if I never get kids? What do I know?! I don’t know anything about everything but everything about nothing.. IT TRIGGERS ME BUT ITS TRUE! I can’t just be blind over the fact that we completely forgot about the fact that we aren’t even close to knowing what is happening in the world and universe yet we act like we have a clue, how did Einstein knew? I mean it was always there, how did he perceive things? He was just always right? No way. I barely know anything like him but I want to know, not to flex. Those things fascinate me so much I’m happy to know more. Even though I don’t have the energy of process like him but I want at least a glimpse of it. I want to have my own mark in history. Still my own mind knows im worth more than a dollar, at least I hope so! I’m not sure I’m wise, what is a wise person? someone whom gain knowledge by experience and errors? I think so. But there’s so much more to it I think.. lately I’ve been feeling like a little clock. Always watched, I’m not feeling well outside of my house, is the world looking at me in such ways it knows I’m in danger? I don’t think so, I hurt my body staying inside but I can’t get out without having the feeling something will happen to me, I want the person to stop the mockery of me. It’s not fair, I want it to stop. Just who is it!? I feel like I’m looking for a needle in a bottle of hay. I’m lost, I can’t find what I like. What if I make the wrong choice of my future? I don’t want to lose everything. Who will be the one telling my errors on front page of embarrassment? I want to seek the truth and future yet future can’t ever come to me, the truth flows through me and never lightens me or my mind, do I not know how to achieve this knowledge yet? I need to get back on my feet.. laying on the ground will never make me fly through wind and find the unseen truth of it all, but what will awaits me there? What if I can’t see or feel the truth? What if the truth will never come? What if the truth was false? What can I achieve in a world where I am nothing until I find a purpose I haven’t gotten hints to find it? What if my purpose is to find a way to make it happen? Make what happen? Why shouldn’t I be in history? Why would I be in history? What if those eyes are the people watching my story? Watching my future unravel before my own very eyes? What if I am both of them? Nothing and everything? I mean, nothing to the world, everything to my twin.. celebrities who became everything wishes to be nothing. What is nothing then? Small comfortable house and nothing else? But is that really nothing? I’m just trying to make sense of it all honestly.. Im scared of being forgotten after my last breath. I’m running out of time, am I? I’ve done nothing wrong nor achieved anything. I want to leave the world with something. I want more time, I want to learn the piano, saxophone, violin and harp. I want to learn the way music works, the way it’s taught, the way it makes us teach ourselves things that we never knew existed..Would I have done enough? I want to leave letters, I’m sure nobody would read them. Technology. Haha. So is this my letter to the world and future? I don’t want to hear it anymore.. I don’t want this to be a mark of my existence. It isn’t enough! I want to mark people, make them live, make them live the emotions I ever so slightly felt at least once, I want to feel proud of myself in my last moments. Will I? Will people ever know my life the way I did? Will they ever understand my feelings? I just never will know, I’m miserable. I want to die. But I don’t want this. I don’t want the world to know that this is the weakness I fell for. I want to know that the world has loved me. I want to be able to feel the way that they will feel. Knowing my feelings, mistakes, wins, my legacy (I still have no shot what it is) my love, my family, my death, my fears. Just how long will I survive? How long will it take till I truly live? I don’t know… the answer probably is not that much longer.. maybe just maybe, I’ll love someone. I don’t have a greater mindset than anyone else, I have no idea what my Purpose is and how to go through it, against it, pass it. Is it really all in my mind already? Where can or would I be able to find it? I want to know that I will be learnt by people.. studied even, I am selfish. I am scared of just leaving ashes behind my death whatever it might be, I’m not a poet at all and I don’t do great poems, I wish I did. Do we all have a shot in life? I really don’t think so, I hate that life is so unfair. But it’s not like I was power in this fucked up place, I think about death daily. Like I’ve been there, was I? I don’t remember any life threatening events that happened to me. I want to laugh at peoples misery, the I’m the most miserable human in any room full of person I see. All have a purpose.. what is mine? Will I ever know it? I’m so tired of trying to find my own happiness again and never once getting the slightest of idea it might be.. I know small facts, I’m not a big mind.. I don’t know how to become one. I want to fly free as a bird, like the sound of my instrument flowing through the air with ease, like a runner in a race, like a baker in its own bakery. I want my place. I am a rat in a fancy restaurant, a princess in the slums, a pig with lipstick in a ball. I am not in my own place.. my right place, is Canada the place I wanna live in till my very last breath? Dying in honor for this country? Having my own future in this place? Yet another thing I can’t understand about everything. I clean every day and nothing changes, I hate this life. I want to trace my own life and it’s wild path, but how? I am repetitive but I need to know if I have enough to do the right things before I am gone, I want the world to know that I am not a person with no meaning or moral. I have my own limits, mistakes regrets and fears. I have not yet achieved any of my dreams or goals since I have no idea what they are, my life is bad but I’m fighting, dying is too easy for me to give up yet if I could I would yield to suicidal thoughts easily enough but I want to be something before nothing. If I throw myself away, is this how I’ll be reminded? I want this to be my legacy, my writing. No.. that’s dumb. I want it to be imprinted in people’s mind, make them change perspective, make them think of what they want to achieve before their last breath. I don’t want to be ashes. I want to live in someone’s mind, be honored for what I did, I am human, everyone is. I don’t want prizes, I want people to go for their own dreams and path even if the world screams and scares them. I want to change our future generations, we can do better than now yet nobody does. I have my life ahead of me yet I do nothing. I am useless, but you guys can. Ashes I will be. We are all decomposing, we need to act beforehand. I want to affect the world. I want to leave my print. I am dumb maybe I’m an idiot.

Hi @RoseOptimiste7 🩷

Your words resonnated with me, I don't exactly know how. They reminded of all the questions I also myself sometimes, all the doubts that sometimes creep in and yet, I want to keep going, because I want to find that light that fuels; I want to learn more and more about it.

I don’t have answers to everything but I don’t have no answer either. I think many of us go through periods and moments in our life where we question our own existence and the world we live in. I understand how tough it is to determine what that purpose of yours is and how you think about death and how you want to make the most of your time before it’s too late.

I don’t think I can answer all of your questions in one go because to be honest, it’s a lot of questions, so apologies for that.

I don’t exactly know how people find out their true purpose in life, because it’s personal to each, but one thing that unites these people, I find, is that hope that they will find that purpose someday and live with that beautiful purpose hopefully for the rest of their life.

I don’t think I need to divulge too much right now, but something that keeps me alive and going every single day, no matter the highs and lows… that light that keeps me going is my faith. And that faith can take multiple forms and it’s something that I try to remind myself about. It’s something that keeps my hopes up when I doubt if I’ll be able to succeed in the things/areas that I say that I will commit to. I don’t know everything, but I trust. I trust that good things will come out of what I want to achieve, and I actually don’t know much more than you do about my purpose of life, but I hang on and trust that I will maybe find out about it.

And I don’t think that finding that purpose is that “one answer” that you need to look for, but it can actually take multiple forms, and you can notice many hints of your preferences and potential talents right now. These are potential hints to your purpose maybe, to your legacy (and I don’t have a perfect definition for legacy, but something that people remember about who you were or what you did in life, I’d say that’s legacy) 🩷

I can’t know how the ending of all of this will be, but one thing I’m certain of, is that no matter how small you think your contribution is right now, it can be seen as the biggest source of hope that came into their life. You can’t always know, but maybe you smiling can turn around someone’s life, and that small act of kindness can bring so many blessings to someone’s life. I believe that any small action can bring happiness into the world and bring in positivity when things seem and are dark.

I think that one of the many ways to discover your purpose in life is by experimenting. I think it’s by trying things out, and making mistakes, and learning from them, and trying something new again and again that life experiences shape who you are. It’s maybe a simple answer, but that’s a message that I want to emphasize.

I guess this quote is right after all: You’ll never know until you try :)

I think everyone’s timing is different and until then, what we have control over is our everyday actions and how we respond to the life events around us 🩷

I think that you don’t need to have all the answers ready to make the best out of your life. Your existence has meaning and I truly hope that my words will be that reminder that you matter in this world 🩷

Remember, it’s by starting with a single drop of water that an ocean can be formed 🩷

Don’t hesitate to reach out on the TJ forum if you ever need anything; we’ll be happy to help :)

(sorry for the kinda long answer; I tried to keep it relatively short/long, but I got inspired by your writing. Thanks for sharing by the way; I appreciate it!)

Hi, @SoleilSportive11

(no idea if the @SoleilSportive11 worked oh wait I made it highlight 🤭)

Didn't know if anyone would actually read all that gibberish, can’t thank you enough for answering both of them with you wisdom, I am quite baffled it inspired you. Didn’t think so. I don’t know if you will get any notifications, this platform confuses me. Makes me feel like a granny, I love both of your answers and the way you answered them, I really appreciate it but I still feel like I would prefer a mental hospital than this hell of a school but I’ll get through it I hope. I’ve met someone a month or so and she became my best friend, she gave me a different answer. Anyway not the real point, most of the questions were pretty much all about making a true impact and living life before dying I didn’t know how it inspired you but I guess if I can make even this small change with my writing I am delighted then. I had such a long essay I had to cut like 3000 characters to erase (not a flex) too damn long for anyone to understand but I’m glad I made it resonate with you. Was it long to read? Well either way, have a great day.

Hey @RoseOptimiste7 🩷

Yep! You tagged me and it worked 😊

Thanks for your feedback on my answers. I’m grateful to read that you like how I answered you :)

I’m happy to see that you’ve made a best friend! It’s good to have someone by your side when times are rough and your friend seems to be a good one and a good source of support too :)

I think it’s a good thing that you took the time to share some info about yourself with your friend. It’s normal that our answers are different; it shows the multiple perspectives from which we can understand and respond. I think it would be a good idea to take time to reflect on our answers if you wish to; you’ll see by our answers that others do value you and you’re important. You matter 🩷

If you think a mental hospital would be a better source of help, then I think it’s worth thinking about and maybe it would be good to get advice from a trusting adult before making a decision. Do you maybe have someone in mind to whom you talk to to see if a mental hospital could be a good option for you?

And yes! Your writing did inspire me. I was really touched to see how much you care about making a difference in others’ lives and I wanted to try to be at least one of the people who could do that kind of favour in return to you. You have a caring heart 🩷

Keep writing; you can maybe change a person, a city, a generation, or the world with your words ✨

Take care and don’t hesitate to reach out!

Thanks you for your message. Now I know that I am not the only one worried about that! Just say that you are not there. Just live the moment present, don’t worry about your futur. Live day per day!

Hey @RoseOptimiste7

Honestly I do not know how to respond to all of that, I feel like the questions you asked constently flowing in my mind and I do not find an answer to them ethier. The only thing that I know for sure and thus can respond, is that even if you do not find your purpose and are scared of being forgotten, I can assure you that I will remember this message you wrote. If that can assure you, you have someone that will remeber this and that was marked by your word. I know that if you continue to write people will read you, because I will. Thank you, you helped me put words on my thoughts.

Hope you have a good day :)

@SnowboardBrillant15 aw your amazing, I am writing a book actually and thank you for your kind words and support I completely appreciate it. My book is about a man in the London developing area where people are all stuck in one apartment and some go work in mines and the man works in a publishing warehouse and slowly goes completely insane because of his sleep paralysis haunting his sleep and never getting a good sleep. The hallucinations will make him slowly starts to hurt the people he lives, will he commit a crime? That’s what people will know throughout the book. I want to make it creepy and I’m not a chapter in but I’m working on it and doing poetry because of a film and I think of publishing that too so thank you!

@RoseOptimiste7

Omg! I want to read that book now! The description of your story reminds me a little of Jekyll and Hide. It's really cool that you were able to find a way to leave your mark on the world, because if you publish this book, or anything you write really, there are people who will read it everywhere and forever.

Take care and good luck with your book! :)

@SnowboardBrillant15 thanks!!!! It is gay too and does have pretty bad homophobia as its in the 1820’s but its not an happy ending

@RoseOptimiste7 That sound like an insanely good book! It has love, angst, mystery and a touch of scary, it seem so good. Continue to write it, you seem like you have a great imagination and really good ideas.

@SnowboardBrillant15 Your so Lovely! Thank you! I definitely will, I really am struggling to write right now but I’ll definitely write tomorrow, have a good day, I’ll definitely post it one day on this website if it gets published!

@RoseOptimiste7 Well I can't wait for it! Good luck with your writing, I know how difficile can be to stick to writing a book, but I am sure your gonna make it :)

Qui choisir? Maman ou papa?

Salut, ça fait un bout de temps que j'ai pas écrit sur le forum. je suis un peu dans une situation... difficile. J'ai 13(bientôt 14) et j'ai vécu des choses (trop). Je vois une travailleuse sociale, je bientôt faire des activités avec des victimes d'agressions sexuelles dans un centre...et ect. Maintenant que m'a vie commençait à reprendre le bon chemin, mon père m'a suggéré d'aller vivre chez lui pendant 1 ans ( je le vois une fin de semaine sur deux habituellement et l'été je le vois une semaine sur deux). Il faut savoir que, j'ai pas le meilleur environnement chez ma mère. Ça fait que crier et se chicaner entre tout le monde, surtout entre mon beau père et ma mère. Mon père m'a donc suggéré sa, mais je ne sais vraiment pas quoi dire... J'en ai parler à mon cousin de 20 ans, lui qui a eu pratiquement les mêmes situation que moi, était le mieux placé pour me comprendre. Il m'a dit, et je site...<< Tu devrais dire oui, je préfère que tu vives dans un endroit sain>>. Comme si ma mère était un monstre. Mais le seul monstre dans cette histoire c'est moi. Chez ma mère, c'est toujours moi qui est accusée de tt. Je me fait chicaner tout le temps et on me rappelle souvent mes erreur, comme l'histoire du pédophile disons( voir mes autres publications). Chez mon père, on vois aucun de mes efforts. Je fait toujours plus que demander et c'est toujours pas bien. Je garde 6 enfants, c'est sûr que j'ai pas le temps de toujours tout faire correctement. C'est compliqué et eux...ils me critiquent tt le temps. Je sais pas si je devrais accepté la proposition de mon père. Après tout, il fait sa pour mon bien. Je sais que c'est long à lire tout sa, mais je préfère me confier à vous parce vous vous m'écouter (plutôt vous lisez, mais vous avez compris) contrairement à mes parents, mes problème c'est n'importe quoi et pleurer c'est comme un crime. J'ai vu plusieurs fois ma mère et mon beau père se chicaner... pendant ce temps moi je cachait les yeux et les oreilles de mes frères et sœurs... Je n'avais pas assez de mains pour cacher les miens. J'ai tout vu et entendu...la maison qui tremblait avec les coup dans le mur, la vitre sur la porte qui explose avec les coups de poing de mon beau-père dans la porte. Tout. Les autres, ne le savent pas sa... J'aimerais vraiment que quelqu'un me résonne. Je veux savoir se qui est le mieux pour moi...mais je ne sais pas.

Mes parents se moquent de moi

Quand mes amis ont appris que j’avais un trouble psychologique, ils m’ont intimidé. Ils étaient violents verbalement, physiquement et psychologiquement pendant plusieurs années.J’ai eux une chicane avec mes parents car ils insistent pour fêter ma fête alors que j’en ai horreur. Mon anniversaire était le jour ou mes amis m’intimidaient le plus, ils convainquaient mes autres amis de m’intimider ou de me fuir.Mes parents disent que j’exagère. Ils se moquent de moi et disent que je dramatise quand j’en parle a d’autres personnes. Ma mère me traite de niaiseuse et de faible pour laisser mes amis me gâcher la vie aux point de m’isoler et de ne pas fêter ma fête.Peut être que c’est vrai que je dramatise, je ne sais plus, mais comment je le décris, c’est comment je l’ai ressenti. Ils ne le comprennent pas et continuent à me forcer de fêter ma fête.

J’ai mal, mais je me tais depuis trop longtemps

Je ne sais pas vraiment par où commencer, parce que ce que je vis me dépasse. J’ai l’impression de porter un poids que personne ne voit. Je me suis déjà automutilée. Pour faire taire ce qui hurlait en dedans. Pour sentir quelque chose, n’importe quoi, quand tout devenait trop lourd. J’ai déjà voulu en finir. J’ai fait des tentatives de suicide. Pas pour attirer l’attention, mais parce que je ne voyais plus d’issue. Parce que la douleur était trop grande, trop constante. J’ai perdu des amis. Peut-être parce qu’ils ne comprenaient pas, peut-être parce que je me suis enfermée dans ma souffrance. Ou peut-être parce que je ne savais plus comment être "normale". J’ai connu l’amour, ou du moins ce que je pensais être de l’amour. Mais c’était toxique. J’ai été brisée dans des relations où je me suis effacée, où je croyais que je méritais d’être mal aimée. J’ai vécu une agression sexuelle. Un moment qui m’a marquée à vie, que j’essaie encore de comprendre, de guérir. J’ai été placée dans une famille qui n’était pas la mienne. Arrachée à mes repères, comme si j’étais un problème à régler plutôt qu’une personne à aider. J’ai connu la violence conjugale. La peur dans le quotidien. Les mots qui frappent. Les gestes qui blessent. La sensation que ma voix ne comptait pas. Je vis avec la dépression. Cette noirceur qui revient sans prévenir. Qui me fait croire que je ne vaux rien. Que je dérange. Que je suis de trop. Et surtout… je me sens à l’écart. Comme si je n’avais pas de place. Comme si je ne faisais pas partie du monde qui m’entoure. Mais aujourd’hui, j’écris tout ça pour une raison : je veux être entendue. Je veux arrêter de me cacher. Je veux trouver de l’aide. Je veux croire que malgré tout ce que j’ai vécu, je peux encore me reconstruire.

Coup de foudre amicale

Je suis une fille qui s'attache très rapidement. Et c'est d'ailleurs ce qui c'est passer avec une fille un peu plus vielle que moi. Je ne lui est parler qu'une fois. Une seule. On lisait les mêmes livres, on avait les mêmes délires et cette fille avait un charisme et une confiance incroyable bref j'étais complètement fan. Puis, je l'ai plus revue pendant un ans jusqu'à ce qu'une de mes amies m'anonce que cette fille était la nouvelle blonde de sa soeur. Là, j'étais aux anges !! Une autre amie l'a invité pour nos traditionnels "Party de fin d'année" c'était parfait ! On a parler et tout. On c'est même dit qu'on allait écouter Gossip Girl ensemble !! Juste...J'ai l'impression que c'est trop beau. Vous voyez le feeling ? J'ai l'impression que je vais faire une gaffe et que tout vas être finit ! Je ne suis pas amoureuse d'elle. Mais je l'aime tellement alors que je ne l'ai presque jamais vue.

Do I know anything?

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